Please Stand by

We often ask  “how are you?” to someone when we want to start a conversation but someone told me, instead of asking “how are you?” how about asking them “how’s your heart?” because she said that this question can go deeper and make the conversation longer. And I think it’s a good way to start this letter.

So how’s your heart today my friend? It’s been a while since we greet each other and ask these questions. I hope we can catch up with each other sometime soon and hear your stories once again.

Last time I saw you laughing with your friends, the other time you are walking alone. Yet you are still wearing those smile and I like the way how you smile when you greeted someone. Somehow, it can lift up discouraged soul. Yesterday I saw you again, this time with your family. You are having chitchat with them while eating at your favorite restaurant and I knew that you enjoy and savor the moment with them. Then the following day I heard you how you encourage the stranger not to give up on his dream and assured him that everything’s going to be alright and I admire your boldness for helping them. 

We know you as a joyful person and full of life. But someone told me, “when you are alone in the room and no one is looking at you what you do in the secret place will tell you who you really are”. So who are you when no one sees you?

We often see the outside but we never bother to look on the inside. We watch the show and we are amazed on their performance but we never know what’s happening before the show and what struggle they face before they perform.

So I guess it is true, that there’s a big picture in front of us and were just looking at a certain part of the picture then we just walk away without appreciating it.What the eyes can’t see is the heart of every soul. Most of the time what we witness in front of the crowds is different in the four corner room. We can only see the real story when we bother to look deeper on the inside of the author. Little do we know that there’s a message in every page that the author wrote more than the entertainment we enjoyed; if we will just take time to understand it, we will discover far beyond what we know. So i guess you have the clue, would you allow me to look inside?

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What i witness that night is different to what i saw in front of them. When the door was close and no one was around; the joy, the laugh and the boldness that i saw becomes pain, tears, and sadness that I have never seen before. This time i saw the wounds inside of you that you kept long ago, the hidden pain that you feel every night. As you are holding that knife i heard the agony coming from the inside, all of sudden i saw a soul dying little by little and i saw myself watching from a distant. I can’t understand what’s going on but this scene was so familiar as if it happens before and then i recognize those words i heard from you:

“I’m tired to speak because no one can lend me an ear”

“No one really listen to the message that I want to share”

“No one really understand the pain”

“No one really cares to look at my scars”

“They say that they love me but why I feel alone? Why do i feel left behind?”

“They encourage me with their words and with their sweetest smile but i can see through their eyes that I am a burden?”

“I try to show all my weaknesses but why do I feel that they are tired of carrying me?”

“They say that i am not alone in this battle but why in the middle of my pain, they gave up easily”

“I can’t blame them; for they have their own pain to deal with. I can only help them if I show to them that I’m not a burden that I have to be strong and to be okay. In this way i can ease their pain too”

“They say that it’s all on the mind but I’m afraid that I may lose the battle within”

“I’m tired of everything…. I am afraid that despite all the fights, nothing will change… am afraid that it is going to last…….”

“it may be a selfish to give up so soon but what if, just maybe, they may hear the echo, they may see beyond those struggle…. And finally, they may see the battle in my heart that’s hard to fight… they may see the wounded soul struggling for too long”

“And I just only wanted to end it”

As I’ve heard those words i broke down. Why everyone did not notice it? Why did we not take time to listen? Why we are not aware of your pain?  Is it because were just seeing the certain part and not taking time to see it all or because we don’t have the strength to see the inside? And that we are not brave to tell the words that you needed to hear or are we compromising and fail to convey the real meaning of the scars or are we taking for granted that you can do it and that you are strong enough?

As tears roll from your eyes, your blood came flowing too. I ran to you and wanted to help you. I regretted being silent for a long time and i realize that there are many things that i wanted to say but it is too late………….

When I held you in my arms, 

You breathe a last breath.

And then I woke up.

It was a dream. 

A tragic one.

But I thank God that it was just a dream. But I think, it is not just a dream but a message to me that God give me a privilege which is not to be wasted. It is a power that can help people to hear the truth or maybe God is reminding me that His words can speak life to a dry bone. So we can use it to all the dry bones we encounter. We should grab the chance to speak so they can hear the truth because we will never know that it could be our last chance and there could be regrets if we ignore it. So here I am now, grabbing the opportunity to say the words that I wanted you to hear:

 

You have 13 reasons why you wanted to end your life but God has a million reasons why he wanted you to live. 

I’ll tell you, God is not giving up on you. So if you are still breathing today it only means that He is holding you. You are still in His hands. Yes, He did not promise that it will be easy but He is going before you and He is preparing the way so that you can make it, that even you walk in the valley of death He will be with you. He is your defender and will never abandon you. When no one is wiping your tears, He will be the one who will collecting all your tears, from the beginning until to the very last of your tear drops and will put it into a bottle; because he cares on every pain you are going through. When everyone is failing you I assure you He will never fail you.

If you feel that even God is silent and nowhere to be found and all you can see is darkness and you can’t see your creator in the midst of your pain, instead of using your eyes, listen to the sound of your heart because the truth lies there. During those times that you wanted to end your life, there’s a small voice telling you to stand by, and at some point, you listen and stop doing it. It was God saving you. He will be next to you so you can bear it all.

I confess that I miss the message that the picture wanted to convey. Just like them, I was only passing by without understanding it and quickly judge it at a glance because I was too busy with my own problem. Being too pre-occupied, we don’t have the time to care about others who are suffering that we forgot to ask them a questions like “are you okay?” “Did you get hurt?” “Does it hurt?”. I didn’t know that it can’t be only with words, that sometimes sweetest words are not enough but it must be genuine and sincere so that the wounded heart will be healed. I also realized that everyone is running the race but we miss to see the important point that it’s not about who will be first or last, who less is or who’s more but to see that it’s not only you who can win or finish the race but it can everyone. We forgot that we can only go far in the race when we’re together and that’s what the race of life is. It’s not a competition to survive but to share your life to everyone for us to make it in this world. And I failed to see all this things; I failed to see the things you can only see with your hearts.

But there’s someone who never took His eyes off, someone who never turn his back even you’re going through a difficult time. He is the one who’s willing to give up his own comfort and to live and walk in your shoes, just to understand your pain. He is the one who never failed to see what i failed to see.

So my dear friend I am sorry for failing you but please stand by, rest assured that if everyone will fail to understand you there will always be someone who can and stop for a moment to look at you without turning away. 

It was 2000 years ago but even a thousand years will pass he will continue to look on you and make time to listen until you will be okay. 

 My dear friend please stand-by until your heart will recognize Him again, because that heart knows who is the maker of it and who gives the reason for it to beat. Please stand by and give me a chance to see the beautiful picture that I failed to appreciate before. Please stand by and give others a chance to see the kind of person you will be, a person who can help the one and won’t turn a blind eye to the wounded soul.

So please stand by it will end soon.

                      

Note:

Other words are from and inspired by Korean drama series titled by Miss Hammurabi, song lyrics by Stefany gretzinger titled Defender and it’s who you are by Aj mikhalka

Title inspired by the movie “please stand by”