A call of Grace

A Call of Grace

Every day was a routine. What’s happening now has happened before. Everything was done repeatedly; we eat, work, and sleep. Things are the same over and over again. As the writer of Ecclesiastes has said that there’s nothing new in life, I guess I agree with him… until one moment comes. That one day in your life will give you a big impact. Those moments are the ones that are breaking the habit; a moment where dyed-in-the wool will disappear, a certain moment that even if it’s over; it will still go on. They are lasting moments that stays even after years have passed. These certain moments holds meaning in our life. They make the old ones become new. And at the spur of the moment it happens.

I came from a well to do family so I almost had everything but I grew up in a tradition where everything that is written in the book of law must be obeyed. So I mastered everything and strictly followed the law that’s why they call me Mr. know it all, and then I became a prosecutor of the law. I do what it takes to be done when it comes in obeying the law. If there’s a violation, there will be consequences even if it means death. Because this is what I think is important in my life. This is what I know that life is all about, so I work hard every day. Until that one day came and everything changed, when the knowledge I knew became useless. In an instant my life was never the same again.

I was on my way to do my work when suddenly there was a light that shone down on me. It was the brightest light that I’ve ever seen, and then I heard a voice calling me. At first I thought it was  one of my companion but the voice was not familiar. It is sounded like a sweet song in my ears but also like a thunder that can make me tremble. I don’t know the exact feeling I felt on that day. Am I afraid because I’ve heard a voice but no one was there? Am I dreaming? How did he know my name? Or am I going crazy? But there is one thing that I do want to know; why am I being called? And who is it who calls me?

I heard him a lot of times but what I only knew was his name. Everything I did was against him and everything in him was different from what I know. Then there is this moment when light breaks the darkness. I experienced him for the first time. I saw a glimpse of who he is. I am amazed yet afraid because I know that maybe this will be my last time to live, but there is something in his voice that calms my fears. At that moment, what I saw is not how righteous I am but how sinful I am. What I thought I was doing the right thing is different to what I saw on that day: I saw how wretched I am. I fell on the ground due to the brightness of the light and my knees can’t deny that he is holy. He must’ve condemned me for what I have done. He must bring judgment upon me just like what I did to others instead I only heard him say “get up”, I don’t understand why there’s no accusation or condemnation but I felt something that I’ve never felt before; a sweet moment. My heart was beating for the first time with a new purpose. I didn’t get what I deserve but I got the opposite, something that I don’t deserve. I must be punished but he called me to be part of his work. In just a blink of an eye I am changed. Yes, quickly as it is, I think there’s a power in that call. What I am now is the product of that moment. The moment that will never be forgotten. The day I decided to follow him.

What happens next is the start of my journey as a Christian. But in every story there are always two sides; the beautiful sides which are the ones that are mostly revealed and the ugly ones which are mostly ignored. The beginning was lively and exciting; the first time syndrome is what I call it: Breathtaking, passionate, the butterfly in stomach and the “bring it on” mood these are the experiences which are worth boasting about. But along the way what is an exciting moment becomes a tiring moment, when the path is no longer easy, when the fields are now empty and barren, when there’s no longer growth, when the situations keep going wrong, when the passionate loses his own passion and when the fire burns out. These are the things that expose weakness and I know it is not worthy to boast about it. But I’m going to do it otherwise anyway and I’m about to tell you the other side of my story.

Everyone now knows me for being selfless, bold and passionate. My role now is really amazing. I remember the first time I did things beyond my capabilities when I made prophesy to the wizard that he will be blind and guess what? He did. That was the first time I saw the Holy Spirit working within me and that the same day a lot of people became believer including the governor. I was in awe for the many miracles and wonders which happened in my life like growing ministry, healing the sick and growth of the believers. There comes a time that the unbelievers made a plan to destroy our works but they didn’t stop us. I was full of joy serving the Lord that even though there’s a plenty of difficulties it doesn’t matter to me what I only want is to glorify Him. Isn’t this is the feeling of being in love? You are so excited to tell about him, doing the things that you thought you can’t do even foolish things. Just like what you felt when you first encountered him is what I feel. It doesn’t matter if I’ll be beaten, be put in prison, have sleepless nights, gone without food and endure the exhaustion. The love that I experienced was too deep that I consider everything else worthless compared to the priceless worth of knowing him. It was really a turning point in my life. Because of these works I am well known to people. There are times they used my story in preaching or for inspirational talks, and the other people treat me as a saint. But the story will not always be about triumph and no one knows what’s happening behind the curtains. When no one is watching they don’t know the shameful things I did, because in the dark side lies all the secrets. Do you know the hardest part of a Christian journey? It is not the troubles we experienced but the moment we fall into sin and struggle to go back to him. Yes, you read it right. I have sinned, and every day I fall into it and keep repeating doing the same thing. Everyone thought that when we became a Christian the old has already gone, and we are no longer doing the sins that we did before. That’s what I also thought, but then again here comes the moment when my feelings surpasses my purpose. Before, I do every kind of desire of the flesh because I live without understanding the command of God but when I became a Christian and learned his command, at first I am zealous to obey him and I always try not to do the wrong things but sin took advantage of those commands to kill me every day. The law is holy and spiritual but the trouble is with me for I am all too human, I am also a slave to sin no matter how I try to escape. I really don’t understand myself, for I want to do what is right but I don’t do it. Instead I do the opposite, the things that I hate most. People see everything good that I do but the truth is, nothing good lives in me because of my sinful nature. Yes, I don’t want to do what is wrong but I do it anyway. I love God’s command with all my heart but this command also brings judgment in me. There’s power within me that is always at war with my mind and this power makes me a slave to sin that is still within me. And I am back of being miserable again. It was really hard; no amount of words can describe the pain within me. Every day was a battle inside of me and I am tired of it. Most of the time the feeling of guilt and condemnation arouses within me. I said to myself many times “I don’t deserve to be an apostle” because I am weak and there comes this moment I want to give up because of the frustration that I am a Christian yet I failed Him. I committed a sin that I mustn’t do.

That’s the moment I begged the Lord to take it away from me. At that moment, I wanted to escape from everything. Isn’t that the best choice we have when things are getting tough? When we can no longer withstand the pain? Three times, I pleaded on Him, I pleaded on Him because I know in myself that I am not worthy to be chosen as part of His work. So I tried to get away from him and from His calling but He said to me, “My grace is enough. It’s all you need; my power works best in weakness”. These words took me back to the moment where I first heard His call: the call of grace. Flashback happened and I realized it was a gift to those people who are undeserving. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. At first I admit, I didn’t think of it as a gift but when I heard His word I began appreciating the gift. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down but what he in fact did was push me to my knees. It’s not easy to talk about my weakness because we live in this world where weak people are losers. It’s not also easy to share your dark side because of the fear of judgment from the people. But what’s amazing with God is every single detail in your life is made beautiful. I have not already reached the perfection and I have not yet achieved that goal but I will fight a good fight for my faith and finish the race by His grace, I will let Christ take over on my weakness and so the weaker I get the stronger I become. So whatever you’re going through and even if you’re struggling in sin right now let this sink in your heart again: His grace is enough and it’s all you need to overcome your weakness. So shut down all those lies from the enemy that you are not worthy to be called and that you always failed. Because from the very beginning, before you are born you are already called by His grace, with His blood poured on you He will bear your dark side. With His grace He redeemed you from your sin. That’s why there’s no reason for you to stop. If He has not told you that you are out, then don’t stop running your race and for I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love even the greatest sin you have ever committed because there’s no chain that this love can’t break so throw your excuses, stand up and begin again. And if in case you forgot, I believe there will always be this moment that you will find yourself going back on that moment, when you find grace in His eyes and when it happen allow that grace to change you because that’s all you need to keep going. And I also want to share this: when you’re at the end of your rope that’s the moment you will find him carrying you through, with less of you there is more of him. When you are weak, he is strong. You’ll be embraced by him tightly and surprisingly you’ll see yourself that you make it through. That’s what I called grace and that grace finds me.  I am Paul, apostle of Christ; a sinner yet I am who I am by his grace.

Did you hear it? Grace is calling you again:

 “GET UP”, you are now breathing in my Grace.

Notes:
Acts 9:1-19, 2 corinthians 12:1-10, Romans 8:38-39